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The ramblings of a disordered mind
Diary entry.

Yesterday a woman called Kerrie helped me lots. She's exactly the sort of person Id get along with and it was right under my nose... very caring, unlike most people here. It felt so very good to finally have someone so caring talk to me at work, never had that anywhere before here. Really made me feel happy.

Whereas before I felt like: "I fail socially absolutely everywhere - my workplace, with family, with boyfriend... everybody feels defensive around me and I cant relate to anyone".

Then I also thought "I may as well give up, as even when I'm smiley and try to be nice people still get defensive with me and dislike me" -I felt like there was no way forward even when I tried, which led me yesterday to cry, On the way to Work
"I'm not even going to bother as I will just get the same results no matter what"

Hadn't felt like that in absolutely ages, all my feelings of childhood came flooding back, the ones I had gotten rid of for 8 years when I was 13... The complete lack of control over my social life, all through growing up. Maybe sometimes you have to take a leap of faith.

I suppose this is all part of growing up.


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