This blog post is centred around the subject of romantic relationships and my experience of being in a relationship with a man that I deem passive aggressive in nature.
I am a woman, 21 years old. I'm in a relationship with a man. It's long-term, we have been together for 2 years now. Am I in love? Well yes, I love him.
However, had I have known what I know now when we first met, I would not have gotten closer to him and slowly taken the relationship further with him; I would have broke it off.
The problem was (and is now a present problem), I started to hold out hope for this relationship... I hoped and hoped, I also made lots of excuses for his behaviours, behaviours that I now see as unchanging (that is, they appear highly likely to remain the same as they have been there since the beginning of the relationship and I just never saw it.
Recently I have been called naive. Perhaps I am. I consider myself to have had 2 serious lovers before this current man. Maybe that isn't many. Anyway back to the subject matter at hand, which more than likely brought you to this blog.
Passive-aggressiveness. Passive aggression. Passive aggressive boyfriend...
I don't like to label people. But in my defense, I think it's human nature to judge others to a certain extent as it helps us make sense of people, particularly when we feel fear.
Why do I think my boyfriend is passive aggressive?
- He leaves all the plans up to me.
This is passive behaviour, most definitely. We are in a relationship. Two people in a relationship are supposed to be equal parts of the relationship. But I find it is more often, if not the majority of the time, me initiating the plans. Before I moved in with him, I didn't initiate hardly any of the plans, I let him initiate them. I didn't really care as much about all that. But now I've willingly got closer to him, I feel resentful that he stopped making anywhere near as many plans as he used to. In response to this, I have thoughtfully tried many different approaches so as to see if he will start making plans again: I tried asking him directly if he has made any plans; I tried waiting for a few days/weeks to see if he would initiate; I tried
- He hardly speaks. At all.
And when he does speak it is about something to do with himself. And even then it is only talk about general aspects of himself, hardly ever do we talk about each other and our relationship.
- When I ask him to do something, he agrees with it but usually never does it.
I strongly dislike the idea of a 'nagging girlfriend/wife'. I always told myself that if ever I get into a relationship, I will not nag. My mum nagged. My mum nagged so much at my dad that it felt like she enjoyed nagging...she always nagged and never got anywhere; the nagging was mostly about the same thing every time she nagged. I used to feel like she actually enjoyed nagging, with the amount of nagging that she did. I see so many examples of women nagging their men, but what is the point in nagging all the time? Why should you have to nag? Shouldn't you instead communicate the issue, if the nagging is about a constant subject? It makes sense that you should confront the issue, schedule some time together and actually talk about, why you 'aren't taking the bin bags out' or why you 'don't seem to want to have sex anymore' etc.
But since I have moved into my boyfriend's flat, most weekends he sits around watching TV or playing video games. Very rarely does he ask if I would like to do something with him or if I would like to do anything at all together.
So yeah, all through the relationship I have been asking him politely and respectfully if he will do 'this' or do 'that', y'know, what I deem reasonable requests between lovers that happen and he agrees to them initially but then, once I have trusted him to do it (and not nagged in the meantime) it usually appears that he has not done what I have politely asked him to do, or even offered to do things which I have communicated to him to do.
This is passive-aggressive behaviour. If you ask someone to do something and they agree to do it, they should honour their side of the verbal contract and fulfil whatever they said they would. If he didn't want to do something, he should have been honest and said so upfront. But the fact of the matter is, I ask him to do something, he agrees to do it, I even ask if he is sure he wants to and he still agrees verbally, then I find out later on that it was not done. It is PASSIVE because it is an indirect act of resistance. It is aggressive in that it puts up a clear message: "I will not live up to what is expected of me. I said I will do it but I'm not going to. So there." -aggression, in a passive manner. Passive aggression.
- Passive-aggressive romantic relationship