I am trying to do my university work. However, I keep getting pain in the left side of my body. Sometimes my arm starts to ache a bit. Like a dull ache. And the left side of my neck is aching at the moment. It is like a dull ache. But not related to strenuous activity.
I feel it is long-term stress and worry. I have recently been worrying so much about everything. From my relationship with my boyfriend to my relationship with my mum and dad/the family situation.
My nan and pap are absolutely amazing. Deep down, I have so much respect for them. And I have an authentic, true love and trust for them (that, I feel, is still in the process of developing and continues to strengthen with each difficulty that I go through with them). They have done nothing but show me real care and love since I was born. My nan is very strong and caring and I admire her. My pap is very intelligent and strong and keeps everything going and maintains order and I admire him too.
I really worry about myself. Whenever I have a single second of fleeting self-doubt or self-blame, my whole psyche feels in pain and torment. I completely lose myself in that second and it hurts. I lose sight of what I really desire and love. I lose sense of reality.
Whenever I view my boyfriend as 'incapable of providing me of what I need' I feel a pang of pain in my left chest (I suppose you could say heart break!). But no, on a serious note, I do feel a physical pain in my LH chest when I think of it. I often feel like I cannot share my emotional interior with him as he, doesn't understand it, or doesn't want to understand it, or cannot be bothered with it or isn't interested in it. But when I am upset, I need that support and need to know that he is still there no matter what. But oftentimes in the past when I have opened up emotionally I feel like he has shut off or not wanted to listen. I feel like he has simply judged it and labelled it as something immature such as 'PMT trouble/her period', 'critical of me', 'just women's trouble/chatter/just a nagging woman who doesn't shut up'. To me, when I have felt really low about something in my life, or stressed about something, or anxious about something, he has showed me that he doesn't want to know, right in the moment that I have needed him the most. And these past hurts have angered me. Especially when I have tried to open up to him, and opening up, I feel, is important. It strengthens the relationship. OBVIOUSLY it has to be done at the right time. But often I have felt like there is never a right time. I think what I am looking for, is acknowledgement. I feel, that if I have had a bad day, or a bad week, then maybe a bunch of flowers the next day would be nice (has to be unexpected of course!!!). Or a little note to say 'I'm thinking of you'. I don't want him to take my personal upsets/stresses onto himself as a reflection of his competence or worthiness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My upsets and stresses have nothing to do with him as a worthy partner, I sometimes have my own problems and I just need to tell him, and then receive some sort of acknowledgement of those feelings!
What used to happen was, I would tell him about my bad feelings and he wouldn't say anything (go silent) most of the time or say something in a very stoic, dispassionate way like maybe a couple of words and then appear completely indifferent.
- A post to air out my feelings [diary entry]