A partnership...
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I am educating myself on what a partnership is. So, apparently, it is, according to Wikipedia:

'Where parties agree to cooperate in order to mutually advance their interests'

Ao, I am in partnership with my pap, right? I am also, with my nan, right? Am I in partnership with the rat here? T?

Yeah, currently I feel like I am. But I know that if I were not working with her, I would SO NOT be in any sort of partnership with her.

Do I feel like I am in partnership with RC? Of course! Only at work though. She is my manager of course!! If it was not work related, then I guess it would diminish to the same kind of general human partnership I have with those I meet on the street.

Am I even in a partnership with anyone I meet on the street?! Are we in a partnership? Not really, well, I don't feel like we are.

THAT means then, partnership must be a FEELING you get with someone you are working with. It must be an established thing, without verbal establishment but physical, working establishment.

Am I in a partnership with RR? To some extent, I am. But I feel more in a partnership with RC than any client, due to her position above me. Is that a good thing or bad thing? Surely that can be abused. Well, a partnership works towards the same MUTUAL interests and if she violates one then I guess it would no longer be one! SImples. |Bye

Things I have achieved in terms of work since I have been there.
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- Managed not to bitch about staff even though I knew they disliked me and said shit about me
- Managed to maintain personal mindfulness in a monthly supervision by continuously telling myself to 'shut your gob' in my head
- Managed to break a barrier with a client that no other staff member really had done (RR and the games I played with him since roughly January/February time?)
- Kept SN happy over Christmas
- Got RR to go on a walk with me to town and come into charity shops with me for a bit
- Got RR to let me into his bedroom to look around bathroom ensure it is clean
- Sat in on a meeting with MM and her social worker
- Once got MM to have a shower after much encouragement
- Once had a serious, long conversation with LM about her past and how she was bullied
- Once had a serious short conversation with LM about ADHD and schizophrenia as she was colouring in
- Managed to stand up to SN and put in some boundaries (the friendship bracelet thing and also the Aldi's incident where my heart was racing with anxiety because of it all)
- Managed to keep my personal issues away from work (in terms of talking about them with staff for example)
- Managed to start to cope with doing/learning NOTHING for hours and hours by having to sit with clients who are lazy
- Managed to mature somewhat more than I was before
- Managed to maintain a better work ethic now
- Managed to build a good rapport with RR
- Managed to stay a whole day with SN on many occasions
- Managed to get a malleable personality and build upon my patience in terms of the clients, especially SN
- Managed to stick up for RR on a few occasions

(no subject)
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'The Debt/Tax Slave System, and its Alternative
Henry H. Lindner, MD
Example HR

You know that something is terribly wrong, but you can’t put your finger on what or why. Life shouldn’t have to be so difficult, so insecure, so insane. The United States, which at least pretended to respect human rights and freedoms, had deteriorated into a criminal empire and a police state. Our professions, corporations, and government seem to have abandoned ethics altogether. Pharmaceutical corporations have taken over medical practice. Lawyers pit every person against their neighbor. What ever brings profit is OK—as long as one is careful not to get caught violating any existing law. There is little cause for optimism. People do not enjoy their work. The brilliant popular music of the 60s, 70s, and 80s is dead. The mainstream media, in the hands of a few corporations, provides only meaningless entertainment, controlled information and a very narrow range of opinion. It is a media controlled by, and serving the interests of a super-rich ruling class. One can find real news and analysis only at independent sites on the world-wide web. It is becoming obvious that banks, corporations, and special interest groups like the pro-Israeli lobby have captured the US Government so that it serves them and not the people. Technology advances, while wisdom, love, and joy disappear.
The people who run this world and control the media and the governments—the bankers and corporate heads—need to have us believe that we have a choice and that we control our destiny, but this is not true. They decide what information we are fed and what choices we are allowed to make. Our elections provide us only with a choice between one of two political parties that they control, parties who represent merely the range of opinion within their own ranks—from those who lean to the right and those who lean to the left. This is in fact a single party dictatorship, a single party with two faces. The right/left divide is a tool of control that pits the slaves against each other, fighting over details of how their slavery is administered, and by whom, rather than recognizing that they are slaves. Both parties favor increasing government control over different aspects of our lives, so as they alternate in and out of power, we continually lose more of our freedoms in all areas of life, falling under more and more rules and regulations. Our “democracy” is a sham. Capitalism never was freedom, it was and is a system of privileges and controls by the rich and clever, for the rich and clever. The system of controls, rules, regulations, corporations, and professions that we live under is about as far from personal freedom and responsibility as possible.
We are the most unfree “free” people that have ever existed. Our children are taken from us at a tender age and conditioned for 12 years to obedience and unthinking acceptance of the status quo. They are prevented from developing their innate ability to learn and to think. Having grown up, these victims of the system condition their own children with threats and violence to the same slavery—the only life that they know. How are we enslaved? Just look follow the money. We must take on enormous debts to get a home, a car, or a college education—and their costs are inflated by the availability of loans. Where does the money we borrow come from? It is created from nothing by commercial banks—the true slavemasters. When we take out a loan from them, we become their debt slaves. We sell ourselves to them for money they created out of thin air. We work to pay back their loan, with interest. What did they risk? Only 8% reserve requirement for that loan—and they get that back if we pay back even a fraction of the loan. The rest of the money we work for, for the rest of our lives, was money they created by a simple accounting entry.
This banking-debt slavery systemt is just the newest, most ingenious form of slavery. It appears to the slave to be a privilege; to be able to get money to buy a house or get an education. Yet by accepting the loan, the person has entered into debt slavery to the creator of the money. The debt slave labors his/her entire life to repay the loan plus interest. Only 8% of the loan is risked capital, and all the interest paid is pure profit for the bank. This is why banks are so willing to lend to anyone, with any credit history. They have little to lose. By allowing banks to make vast amounts of money via this scam, Capitalism has made the bankers the masters of us all. Over the centuries the bankers have taken over governments by convincing ignorant politicians to support their system of private central banking, where the government allows the banks to create the money, a privilege that should belong to the government itself. In fact much of the history of the United States is actually the story of the conflict between bankers and the people—read the history of central banks in the US.
Not only are we debt slaves, but we are tax slaves also. A medieval serf paid 50% of all earnings to the lord of the manor. Between tax and mortgage slavery, we are worse off than the serf. This is why families must struggle so hard to survive. They have no security. Both the mother and father must work to maintain the household. If either becomes unable to work, they are ruined. Inflated medical costs due to the medical monopoly and government-regulated insurance industry threaten each one of us with financial ruin should we become ill. Tax slavery for all citizens was instituted in the US with the income tax in 1913, the same year that international bankers took over the financing of the US government and created a stable fractional reserve banking system by establishing the Federal Reserve banking system. Why did the Federal Reserve and Income Tax come into existence at the same time? The bankers needed a tax on the citizens so that the government would repay its debts to the bankers. None of this was or is necessary. One of the few legitimate functions of government is to retained the sole right to create money from nothing. If governments had retained the right to create money, taxes would not have been necessary as governments would create the money needed for their services and spend that money into existence. Governements could do a far better job of avoiding under- or over-creation of money than central banks do now. Imagine it, if governments retained the right of seignorage, they would not have to tax the citizens, but could instead simply create the money needed to fund its expenses. Instead, governments borrow from banks and tax us to pay for the loans. With their license to create money, bankers manipulate the “business cycle” and buy up corporations, media companies, and politicians. Fractional-reserve banking is the largest, most damaging criminal scam in existence—yet is fully sanctioned by law.
So what is the solution? More governmental controls? Socialism? Well, socialism provides some security for the slaves, but it is an authoritarian response to an authoritarian abuse. It is another form of authoritarianism—another way for those with power to control those without power. Socialism (favors for the poor) is the wrong response to Capitalism (favors for the rich). We should instead eliminate all favors—all interventions that allow some persons or groups to control or profit from others. We want and need a fully consensual society: a sane, healthy society based upon individual freedom AND personal responsibility. We want to live in a sane world community where each of us decides what is right for him/herself; where our dealings with other persons are determined by natural ethics, not artificial and unnecessary rules. We want to interact by mutual consent, for mutual benefit, as far as ethical considerations allow. We must eliminate corporations, professions, patents and copyrights—all privileges that go beyond individual property and responsibility. We want a world in which the cost of things is just what it needs to be, no more no less. We want a world in which the natural considerations of personal cost, risk, and benefit determine all decisions. We want a world of voluntary cooperation and voluntary charity. We want a world without boundaries and controls. We want a world in which children grow up loving knowledge and learning and are allowed to develop their unique interests and talents. We want a world where people can trust other people because they live in a society that, by its natural functioning, rewards honesty and punishes dishonesty. We want a world in which the government does only what it should do: assure a clean environment, food and water, provide roads and other public goods, and prevent violence at its roots and intervenes when violence occurs. We want a government that does not restrict or dictate personal choices beyond those requirements.

To get to there from here requires something much greater than a revolution. Violent upheaval will just replace one set of masters with another and fail to solve the underlying problems (such is the history of all revolutions). We need to become collectively enlightened. We need, as a world population, to understand the nature of the injustices in the both Capitalist and Socialist control systems. We now have a mechanism for achieving such a world-wide enlightenment—the world-wide web. Only collective enlightenment will allow us to work together to create the new ideas, the new constitution for a world-wide cooperative society—one which will eliminate the need for nation-states. With a blueprint in hand we can determine how best to transition from current system to a free and fair system—in a non-violent way. This will require the cooperation of a large percentage of the ruling class; who, if they are smart, will realize that their progeny will be better off living in a sane world, than being super-rich in an insane world.'


Not written by me. Taken from: 'http://henrylindner.net/Writings/Slave.html'

Thoughts. Rambling.
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Gotta love whomever that guy/woman is, having that page and saying this: '
I made a post earlier about how they use gay issues as a distraction and some people took it the wrong way. I don't hate anyone and I am all for everyone being equal. The POINT is the media a.k.a the government a.k.a the corporations a.k.a. the central bankers use issues like abortion and gay rights to distract and divide us....'
He went on to say other things, I just loved his directness about him basically saying that the media is just the central bankers. 'cause it is.
'Media = government = corporations = bankers' and yes, they do use distraction with issues like homosexuality and abortion.

His page can be found here: https://www.facebook.com/1Exmo?ref=stream&hc_location=stream


Where I am at, at the moment... Well, I have been increasingly stressed due to not being able to get my NVQ done and fucking dusted.

I feel like I have little power, realising what little power I have alone and that it is best to team up with people.

Very fucking angry.
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OKAY so today i visited a health foods shop for the first time pretty much ever, in order to become more responsible about the types of food that i eat. I bought lots of 'healthy food' such as: organic cola, apricots without sulfide, organic flaxseed and so on. I also bought HEMP MILK from that 'braham' company, braham and something or other. I believed that because of its high omega 3 and 6 content that it would be ever-s0-healthy for me. Yet, it contains 'carrageenan'. I have just researched this 'thickener' and discovered that it is a major additive used within the food company and apparently known for CAUSING CANCER. I'm so fucking angry. What the fuck can we eat that does not CAUSE CANCER OR SOME OTHER HEALTH DEFECT!

Organic this organic that, and with things like this about I may as well eat all the shit that most of the population eat, it's fucking stupid.

eurgh.


FINALLY, I have got to give up taking control of every aspect of my life.
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CODEPENDENCY is the word. I have GOT to STOP TAKING CONTROL OF EVERY ASPECT OF MY LIFE. I have GOT TO.

I cannot believe how today has gone. It started off as going really well. Was relaxing. OO- there I go again! Looking at myself from other peoples' perspectives, except NO! It is not other peoples' perspectives, it is MY view of what others' perspectives are. I am the one that forms it, and it is bullshit. It is my bullshit attempt to ensure that I don't cross the line of others in any way shape or form.

I am currently sitting on my laptop typing this out, in the front room of my nan n paps house, I have just had a really hot shower which was refreshing and makes me feel much cleaner. Y'see i have this condition, called bromhidrosis, I sweat far far too much for what I should do and I have to change my clothes up to 3 times a day and have lots of underarm washes constantly at work and home. i dont know why i get it, i think my mum had it too.

i was going to dictate all of this to siri but then i thought 'but apple will have lots of my voice on its database and will know how i speak when i am ANGRY, FED UP, ANNOYED, PISSED OFF, RAGING, DOWN, DEPRESSED, CYNICAL, SHATTERED AS FUCK, CODEPENDENT AND OBSESSIVE so i didn't.

Apparently someone at work has told RC that I 'was going to write RR a card saying all the positive things that I think about him' well NO I was not going to do that, I was in actual fact going to make a little piece of card stating some positive words about RR with his photo on the front so that he could keep it and remember the home but I think that possibly this was going over the top a little bit, so I actually decided against it before I even started it. So I have no idea where that shit came from, it was exaggerated and made to sound like I am crossing boundaries with a client which is stupid, because the way that this staff member has appeared to say it has made me sound like I am really crossing boundaries. I thought to myself that the whole idea of putting a few positive words about RR on a piece of card would give out the wrong impression and cross boundaries therefore I didn't and had already decided against it. There are alot of things in my mind that I have thought about doing (THOUGHT, THOUGHT) for example bringing in my laptop to show him that game on the computer that he said he would like to play, but I didn't, because I thought it would be inappropriate. In this incidence I told him that I would bring it in and show him. I do believe, reflecting back, that I made a false promise because I cannot really bring in my own laptop and it would be unprofessional of me.

There are a lot of un[professional things that I do at work, that I really ought to address.
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Working in the h+s care system....
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Where I work (of which I will not disclose) is disgraceful, in that, I feel like not a valued member of staff in the team I am in. We are all against each other and everybody backstabs and all the clients are allowed to do whatever the fuck they want, including treating us staff as slaves. Literally slaves. And they get away with it, even kind of encouraged to do it.  It is a five-star hotel for them. Paid for by the government.

The ecosystem...
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WHY is it that whenever anybody mentions anything about the ecosystem or ecology or saving the earth or anything, people have connotations of 'HIPPINESS' and 'being a hippy'. This is an idea that the media have put into your head, that anything to do with saving the earth and looking after nature, is being a hippy and a 'tree-hugger' etc.

WHY have the mainstream media not reported anything about the Monsaannto March? I know that word isn't spelled like that, but I have my personal reasons why I have spelled it like that. WHY HAVE THEY NOT REPORTED ANNNNYTHING ABOUT IT AT ALL? IT WAS A BIG EVENT! 1000's of people marched against the atrocities that are occurring within the world due to that company (which is ruled by the U.S. government) and the way that they are forcing GMO-food down lots of peoples' throats and food that has dangerous chemical product on it as well as interfering with the ecosystems? They are doing so much damage to this world.

All in the name of greed.

They are well and truly killing us for profit.

ADHD is rising. Autism is rising. Allergies are going up. Food intolerances are going up.

Need need need to drink more mineral water!!!!!!
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Please!!!!!

My experience with Cannabis.
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Okay... so last night I had my first real cannabis high. I have smoked it many times in the past before, but before last week I had never actually bought it from a dealer and had some cannabis of my own, so I was very amateur in what the 'weights' were (for example ounces and 'eighths' etc.) and I had no clue how to know if my cannabis was strong or weak and whether I had been given the correct amount for what I paid or anything.

Before I go on, the ending of this story is basically me ridding myself of all cannabis and promising myself never to touch it again... so although I have and did do drugs, I don't and won't anymore.

Last week I purchased a '60' which is basically 60 quids worth of the stuff. I appeared to have only smoked about a fiver's worth though, last night, judging on what was left before I disposed of it all.

Me and my best friend (and now boyfriend actually) J were looking forward to going to a UK festival called Download this year and so had been talking about getting high for a while. I finally ordered a herb grinder ('chromium crusher' actually, really nice looking and does the job perfect) off of amazon and when it had come in the post yesterday I couldn't wait to test it out on my new grass.

Me and J had smoked some of the same batch (only a little bit) WITHOUT using the crusher at first, and it appeared to give us absolutely no high whatsoever, but we mixed it with a small amount of tobacco at first. So as you can see, we never would have dreamed of having a particularly 'big' or specific memorable experience...

Me and J last night went out in my car and found a spot on the outskirts of the village, I drove there hoping that I would have a quick high lasting no longer than 15 minutes and then to drive him home... I was wrong, very wrong.

We sat in my car once I had driven to the derelict area by the canal and train bridge and stopped, turned off all my lights. It was around 9:30pm and it was still a bit light, light enough to see where to drive without car lights but not hugely light.

I got out my herb grinder, J went into my glove compartment and got out my liquorice papers and filters as well as the bag of bud I had. The bag was a small '20' bag, it was full. The bud was sticky in texture and had to be broken off with my fingers, I was breaking it away from the rest of the bundle I remember. Then I put it in the grinder, crushed it up and put it in the rolly.

Me and J mutually decided to put on 'Stuck in the Middle with you' from reservoir dogs soundtrack album and then we lit up the blunt (the roll up was FULL of marijuana and all one substance, not mixed with tobacco.

I had a long long puff on the blunt (a 'hit') and I specifically remember making sure to myself that I take in every single bit of the smoke and try to exhale as little of it as possible. I remember the shock that I felt when absolutely NO smoke came out of my mouth of nose, which means that every single bit must have stayed in my system.

I then started to cough a lot, but it wasnt the type of cough you would get from smoking, it was more of an 'airy' type of cough, where you are trying to shift a massive BUBBLE of air out of your throat and it is irritating your throat but it won't come out... this went on for about 10 seconds but I just laughed it off purposely so as not to worry J or myself and then took another hit (this time ensuring that at least a little bit was exhaled). I passed it on to J.

I kind of half took a notice of what J was doing as he smoked, but I realised he didn't cough at all, but he did breathe it all back out instantly, so I guess it was kind of a small hit that he got, if anything ? I don't know, I really don't. I'm not experienced enough to know all this shit. Anyway.

J passed it back to me and I smoked 2 more hits, but slowly. I remember thinking to myself as I looked out at the fields around us, how the blunt actually smelt and tasted peculiarly strongly (i mean to a higher degree than it did last time, much higher) as I smoked it. I took these 2 hits right back again, and was VERY SURPRISED that AGAIN, no smoke came out, as if I had just consumed the whole of those two hits magically and voluptuously (the latter because I was mostly happy and AMUSED AS FUCK that the smoke just fucking disappeared, like I could consume the whole world in just a second).

 I remember looking out at how dark and gloomy the outside was getting, but I still didn't feel high or anything. I felt relaxed, but not much more so than I usually would after smoking. I guess the company that I had (J) was a good contributor to my feelings of relaxation too.

I started to wonder at this point whether this was just going to be another fake of a high again, like before and had a minor feeling of pessimism at this point, that me and J had just once again wasted our time really.

I passed the joint over. J took a hit. Then he passed it back to me, I took it, then held it in my fingers as you do, and because my windows were semi open (with STUCK IN THE MIDDLE playing in the background) I held the blunt in my fingers and used my free hand to (stupidly) give the blunt a 'flick', but all the remaining bud fell out onto the floor outside and there was none left.

I thought: that's it. This is a high. Great. This is nothing really. I'm bored of this. I guess I best start thinking of driving home.

I turned to my left and asked J: 'are you feeling anything? I'm not really feeling anything more than what I usually feel, are you?' J replied that he wasn't either really, but just a little bit.

Then suddenly I looked into the fields around us.... and started to see black and white swirls everywhere, like stars, but in constant whirling motion; my vision turned to white and black swirls... a little bit like this: but it was like the fields were turning black and white and little white stars, like WHITE NOISE was happening all around me...

I looked at J and said 'omg what is happening?' Then J started to say the same kind of thing and said 'omg I can feel it too' and started to have kinda the same reaction at exactly the same time...

Suddenly, my hearing slowly went down and everything slowly but SCARILY got quieter.....and quieter......and quieter...... until I could hardly hear anything, but just faintly hear the music of 'Stuck in the middle' in the background, I could hardly hear anything at all, it was like my brain was going to BURST out of my head, the pressure between my brain and skull felt so high, enough that it almost hurt my head.

Then the music was fading out (as music does when it comes to the end of the song) which triggered such a SURGE of anxiety that I was actually losing my sense of hearing that I began to panic and slowly lost my sight as the environment turned quickly into faded and dark colours, almost BLACK, and I remember almost tumbling onto J with my head as I almost lost consciousness.

Then I started to keep saying 'fuck' fuck fuck fuck but with an emphasised 'K' on the end and then my hearing didn't return, the words of the next tracks of the CD were ultra quiet and I started to panic like anything and become really anxious

I started to feel my heart beating REALLY REALLY heavily and this was started to scare me the absolute most, I had never felt in all my life, my heartbeat so goddamn LOUD in my life, my heartbeat was LOUD, it PENETRATED MY EARDRUMS, my OWN MOTHERFUCKING EAR DRUMS were pissed all over my the sound of my heartbeat which was rapid and loud.

My heart FELT LIKE IT HAD ACID INSIDE OF IT. My heart was BURNING, my heart was hurting, it was BURNING LIKE ACID in my chest, pain was absolutely SURGING around my chest area and it was at this point i genuinely believed I was at risk of death, time was going ultra slow and everything seemed like it was a movie.

I started seeing lots of pictures from my past in life, pictures kept going around my head and old music was playing over and over again, like this was the ending of my life being played in a cinema, like the end of my life was being glamorised and it was being made a joke, but the end of my life was near and was going to be a dramatic and musical end.

I found it so very difficult to breathe, I couldn't breathe properly. At this point the pain was still excruciating and only around my heart area. I turned to J and told him I felt like I was going to die, that tonight I was going to die. J tried his best to reassure me that I am not going to die and tried to comfort me. This is when J appeared to be much more calmer than me, but because I thought I was going to die, I started to debate in my head whether I should phone nan and pap or not, but I just fucking did it. I phoned them, I remember panicking like fuck and saying on the phone 'im in trouble, im in trouble, I'm next to the hill, yknow the hill that had snow on it, the hill near the train bridge, yknow the hill!! The hill!! The one that everyone sledges down when it is snowing!!!' this was at around 21:32pm, I've just looked at my call list in my phone.....it lasted 1:03 seconds too.

then nan and pap went silent after i explained it all, i kept saying 'hello? hello?' then looked at my phone at saw it was still connected to them but realised that they must have literally just dropped the phone and ran out the house to find me, because i heard that 'noise' you hear, that background noise when the phone is off the hook and you're connected

The heart pain started to get excruiatingly worse, and this was the worst part of my experience last night because I kept hearing my heart beat non-stop for so very long, it was SO LOUD in my head and the pain was the most excrutiating pain I ever come across, EVER. The pain was like ACID WAS IN MY HEART AND SLOWLY SLOWLY SLOWLY spreading to the other parts of my chest, then my upper arms, and slowly slowly down into my stomach but ALWAYS and CONSTANTLY throughout the whole experience was the pain in my heart indefinitely.

I then dialled 999..... which I'm not sure whether this was an overreaction or not, but at the time it felt highly justifiable, as i literally felt I was going to die there are then.

I started to get a dry mouth, but SO VERY DRY that my mouth felt like a desert, the feeling was taken to the absolute EXTREME, my mouth was so so very DRY that I felt like I had sandpaper in my mouth, there was not a droplet of saliva in my mouth at all. But it wasn't just a usual feeling of a dry mouth, it was an extreme and scary, fucking terrifying feeling of a DRY DRY DRY DRY DRY DRRRY mouth, it was a DESERT, and it only further made me feel like I was going to die.


All my feelings were taking to the extreme. Everytime I felt a single feeling or thought a single thought, it was taken to the absolute EXTREME in my own mind. Every time I thought about my dry mouth, it felt like a DESERT.

Everytime I thought that I was going to die, the heart pains got considerably worse. and the beat was faster.

Everytime I was told to calm down and speak slower on the phone, my heart temporarily and just a tiny bit more bearably, slowed down a very little bit.

Everytime I got at all anxious, the whole heartbeat situation got FASTER.

Bitterness turned into anger.

Upset turned into total depression.


Relaxation turned into total EUPHORIA.

I didn't know whether I was coming up or going down, but each time I slowly slowly (in slowed down time) thought or felt something, my mind took it to the absolute extremity every single feeling I had.

I remember that when I saw pap, I just prayed in my mind that he wouldn't be horrible and have a go at me for it, because everytime I felt anything bad at all, my heart would just become unbearably rapid.

Then the ambulance came. I went into the ambulance. They put these patches on me, you know the ecg patches, electrodes, stuck to my arms and my legs.

I couldn't stop moving and fidgetting. I kept fidgetting and my legs kept moving backwards and forwards backwards and forwards.

Then I constantly felt like the ambulance was moving, moving, driving to the hospital or whereever, but it felt like it was GOING SOMEWHERE, and I said 'where are we going' and they said nowhere we are staying here.

I said, 'but isnt the ambulance being driven' and then they said no, and then for some reason my mind managed to get to grips with this and stop feeling it was moving.

Everytime the ambulance people said to each other: 'well she has got an abnormally fast heartbeat...' I started panicking even more and shouted 'no no! I don't want to die! Please, am I going to die?!' and this was everytime they said something like this; they kept remarking on my fast heartbeat, and all it did was turn the situation into more of a surreal one.

I remember thinking that I kind of liked the whole experience, but then I kind of didn't. I liked it alot because, I thought to myself all through it, that I am even more without ego now than I am when I'm not high, it's great I can talk to anyone and without worrying about a thing! I can talk HOW SLOW I want to and not feel rushed by anyone or their expectations! Great! -that is what I thought most of the time, but then the other half of me was just DREADING, dreading, absolute dreading (because all of my emotions were heightened and taken to the extreme), I was absolutely dreading the thought that I would lose my job as a care assistant and whether I would lose nan and pap because they might take all this the wrong way... I was fucking dreading this.

They kept asking me (the ambulance staff) what my job was, and when I said care assistant, they looked abit shocked if i remember correctly. They asked where i was working and i replied.

I asked them if the police were coming, because i previously said to them 'i dont want anymore of that stuff, it was my first real time, it was my first real go at it but i dont want it anymore, get police to take it' and they replied that the police were not coming, which kind of surprised me.

finally they determined i was 'well enough to go home'. I remember saying the name 'l**a' in ref. to a client at work of mine, I was saying: 'now I know what it is like to feel retarded, to feel like i have learning difficulties, like 'l**a'" and then they asked who this person was but I said 'oh just a friend'.

My mouth, throughout all of this, was as dry as a fucking desert, i kept complaining of this in the ambulance.

they gave me a bottle of water from the ambulance man's little car. I remember I kept looking at the bottle. the name of it began with a 'H'.

Then I sat in nan and paps car, in the front seat if i remember.... then i looked back at my car and saw J (briefly) in my car and nan was talking to the dog and reassuring him, although she sounded really tearful and upset about all this stress. then nan drove me home after pap had turned the car around.

I got home, pap must have been taking J home in my car.

I got back home, I was really calm i remember. Really calm. My heart was still hurting like hell but not as bad as earlier and I had a few seconds of 'normal' thinking in between all of this, intermittently.

Nan led me into the house, but I remember as she left to go park the car in the garage, I felt FUCKING TERRIFIED of being on my own, I looked into the darkness of the house up the staircase and saw faces in the dark and ran back outside. I stood outside the front of the house and kept taking two steps back, two steps forward, 2 back, 2 forward and looked down at my feet to ensure they remained within the cracks of the pavement.

I briefly took a look at the windows of the garage at nan hopelessly trying to park the car again and again, and I remember seeing 3 faces looking at me and laughing. They were like little pixies, like little trolls or something, just 3 little heads that kind of looked like this:

-but 3 x the happy one, not the sad one. There were 3 of them, all looking at me, just the heads, 3 of them, smiling and grinning. It was exactly like the heads out of the happy side of the drama sign.

I went back into the house and nan had told me to leave the dog in the kitchen. I went in the kitchen and remember feeling an impending doom and absolute DOOM and gloom feeling in my mind that, this is it, the dog is going to kill me, he is going to growl at me, he is looking at me right this second, he is going to kill me and rip me to shreds. I was so scared but I just remained extra nice to the dog so that my fears would not become true.

I remember speaking really slowly to nan and pap. And kind of understanding what they were saying. nan made me a cup of tea, but I remember that, because it was hot, it absolutely BURNED MY THROAT AND CHEST ALL THE WAY DOWN TO MY STOMACH, because my feelings were still heightened. It burned like hell. So I just waited for it to cool down.

I remember when pap came in, my heart started beating really ultra fast again because I thought he was going to argue with me, but he didnt, he just asked me questions like 'how much of that stuff have you got left?' and I said '60 quids worth, can you take it, it is in my car, get rid of it, I don't want to do this again' and pap got it out my car and flushed it all down the toilet.

The one good thing about all of this, is that, when I felt loved and cared for by nan and pap when I got home, I felt REALLY loved and cared for, and wanted, like, to the EXTREME! I felt so loved and so cared for an wanted by them, because of the effect this bud had had on me...

Nan had made me a little bed because i was scared to sleep on my own in my own room just in case i had a heart attack.

I remember hearing nan crying all through the night. I had a bottle of water on the dresser next to me and a glass of water. The glass went first.

I remember as I got into bed my heart still killed, and I thought nan and pap could hear me rubbing away with my hand, at my heart, so i asked them if they could 'hear that' and they said no.

I mostly layed on my side, because it hurt my heart less to lay on my side, and burned more when i was on my front.


It is now 23 hours later exactly, since i went and did this.

All day I have felt sleepy. All day I have had a feeling of constant heartburn/angina around my chest. I have felt 'slow' and extremely confused all day. I have felt like time is passing me by slowly still. I think that this morning when I woke up at 8:30am, I was still a bit high. I have been extremely confused all day and it is starting to wear off now.

My heart keeps aching quite bad however and has done all day. It keep thumping out of my chest and hurts when I think of stressful things.

This is my first real and proper experience with my own self-purchased cannabis.

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