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A post to air out my feelings [diary entry]
I am trying to do my university work. However, I keep getting pain in the left side of my body. Sometimes my arm starts to ache a bit. Like a dull ache. And the left side of my neck is aching at the moment. It is like a dull ache. But not related to strenuous activity.

I feel it is long-term stress and worry. I have recently been worrying so much about everything. From my relationship with my boyfriend to my relationship with my mum and dad/the family situation.

My nan and pap are absolutely amazing. Deep down, I have so much respect for them. And I have an authentic, true love and trust for them (that, I feel, is still in the process of developing and continues to strengthen with each difficulty that I go through with them). They have done nothing but show me real care and love since I was born. My nan is very strong and caring and I admire her. My pap is very intelligent and strong and keeps everything going and maintains order and I admire him too.

I really worry about myself. Whenever I have a single second of fleeting self-doubt or self-blame, my whole psyche feels in pain and torment. I completely lose myself in that second and it hurts. I lose sight of what I really desire and love. I lose sense of reality.

Whenever I view my boyfriend as 'incapable of providing me of what I need' I feel a pang of pain in my left chest (I suppose you could say heart break!). But no, on a serious note, I do feel a physical pain in my LH chest when I think of it. I often feel like I cannot share my emotional interior with him as he, doesn't understand it, or doesn't want to understand it, or cannot be bothered with it or isn't interested in it. But when I am upset, I need that support and need to know that he is still there no matter what. But oftentimes in the past when I have opened up emotionally I feel like he has shut off or not wanted to listen. I feel like he has simply judged it and labelled it as something immature such as 'PMT trouble/her period', 'critical of me', 'just women's trouble/chatter/just a nagging woman who doesn't shut up'. To me, when I have felt really low about something in my life, or stressed about something, or anxious about something, he has showed me that he doesn't want to know, right in the moment that I have needed him the most. And these past hurts have angered me. Especially when I have tried to open up to him, and opening up, I feel, is important. It strengthens the relationship. OBVIOUSLY it has to be done at the right time. But often I have felt like there is never a right time. I think what I am looking for, is acknowledgement. I feel, that if I have had a bad day, or a bad week, then maybe a bunch of flowers the next day would be nice (has to be unexpected of course!!!). Or a little note to say 'I'm thinking of you'. I don't want him to take my personal upsets/stresses onto himself as a reflection of his competence or worthiness!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My upsets and stresses have nothing to do with him as a worthy partner, I sometimes have my own problems and I just need to tell him, and then receive some sort of acknowledgement of those feelings!

What used to happen was, I would tell him about my bad feelings and he wouldn't say anything (go silent) most of the time or say something in a very stoic, dispassionate way like maybe a couple of words and then appear completely indifferent.

Musings on being in the current relationship I am in.[recovered from blog earlier in month]
Well first of all, it kinda hurts me to be typing this, as I am moaning about a problem and not "actively" doing anything about it.

But my reason for posting here is for both myself in the future and maybe for others who stumble across my blog either in a similar situation or just interested by it.

I am a woman. In a relationship of 2 years now. We live together. I moved in 10 months ago. He is a butcher. I am a care worker. I initiated our talking. I found out his name and added him on a social networking website. Then he asked me out for a drink. From then on, we swapped numbers. We started seeing each other. I made the first move on him, asking if I can kiss him. He had not asked to be together after 2 weeks and by this point I had visited his place and we had gone on a few dates. So I said, 'what is our status' so to speak. Then we started officially going together.

We had sex about 3 months into the relationship. He kept wanting sex (shown by his physical touching of me) but I kept saying not yet as it is too early. We saw each other about 2-3 times a week. During the first couple of months, I stayed over his flat a few times. One of the times I was almost certain I heard him crying in the other room when he offered to sleep on the sofa as I could not sleep in the single bed we were both on.

until 1 year and 3 months where we moved in together.

To me, I felt like things were a lot better before I moved in.

Passive-aggressive romantic relationship
This blog post is centred around the subject of romantic relationships and my experience of being in a relationship with a man that I deem passive aggressive in nature.

I am a woman, 21 years old. I'm in a relationship with a man. It's long-term, we have been together for 2 years now. Am I in love? Well yes, I love him.

However, had I have known what I know now when we first met, I would not have gotten closer to him and slowly taken the relationship further with him; I would have broke it off.

The problem was (and is now a present problem), I started to hold out hope for this relationship... I hoped and hoped, I also made lots of excuses for his behaviours, behaviours that I now see as unchanging (that is, they appear highly likely to remain the same as they have been there since the beginning of the relationship and I just never saw it.

Recently I have been called naive. Perhaps I am. I consider myself to have had 2 serious lovers before this current man. Maybe that isn't many. Anyway back to the subject matter at hand, which more than likely brought you to this blog.

Passive-aggressiveness. Passive aggression. Passive aggressive boyfriend...

I don't like to label people. But in my defense, I think it's human nature to judge others to a certain extent as it helps us make sense of people, particularly when we feel fear.

Why do I think my boyfriend is passive aggressive?

- He leaves all the plans up to me.

This is passive behaviour, most definitely. We are in a relationship. Two people in a relationship are supposed to be equal parts of the relationship. But I find it is more often, if not the majority of the time, me initiating the plans. Before I moved in with him, I didn't initiate hardly any of the plans, I let him initiate them. I didn't really care as much about all that. But now I've willingly got closer to him, I feel resentful that he stopped making anywhere near as many plans as he used to. In response to this, I have thoughtfully tried many different approaches so as to see if he will start making plans again: I tried asking him directly if he has made any plans; I tried waiting for a few days/weeks to see if he would initiate; I tried

- He hardly speaks. At all.

And when he does speak it is about something to do with himself. And even then it is only talk about general aspects of himself, hardly ever do we talk about each other and our relationship.

- When I ask him to do something, he agrees with it but usually never does it.

I strongly dislike the idea of a 'nagging girlfriend/wife'. I always told myself that if ever I get into a relationship, I will not nag. My mum nagged. My mum nagged so much at my dad that it felt like she enjoyed nagging...she always nagged and never got anywhere; the nagging was mostly about the same thing every time she nagged. I used to feel like she actually enjoyed nagging, with the amount of nagging that she did. I see so many examples of women nagging their men, but what is the point in nagging all the time? Why should you have to nag? Shouldn't you instead communicate the issue, if the nagging is about a constant subject? It makes sense that you should confront the issue, schedule some time together and actually talk about, why you 'aren't taking the bin bags out' or why you 'don't seem to want to have sex anymore' etc.

But since I have moved into my boyfriend's flat, most weekends he sits around watching TV or playing video games. Very rarely does he ask if I would like to do something with him or if I would like to do anything at all together.

So yeah, all through the relationship I have been asking him politely and respectfully if he will do 'this' or do 'that', y'know, what I deem reasonable requests between lovers that happen and he agrees to them initially but then, once I have trusted him to do it (and not nagged in the meantime) it usually appears that he has not done what I have politely asked him to do, or even offered to do things which I have communicated to him to do.

This is passive-aggressive behaviour. If you ask someone to do something and they agree to do it, they should honour their side of the verbal contract and fulfil whatever they said they would. If he didn't want to do something, he should have been honest and said so upfront. But the fact of the matter is, I ask him to do something, he agrees to do it, I even ask if he is sure he wants to and he still agrees verbally, then I find out later on that it was not done. It is PASSIVE because it is an indirect act of resistance. It is aggressive in that it puts up a clear message: "I will not live up to what is expected of me. I said I will do it but I'm not going to. So there." -aggression, in a passive manner. Passive aggression.

Recently I have been looking into reasons for my current mental state.

What seems to happen is for a few weeks I will feel okay; I will be productive, loving towards my boyfriend, tolerable to others at work, wanting to progress academically (I have been studying towards a Psychology degree).

But then, for a week or so, I will feel antisocial, depressed, like I am not going to survive for very long.

And each time it happens I just like the episode, "is much worse" than last time's week-long depression, which makes me feel even worse.

I have anxieties about growing up and becoming an adult. I am scared to let go of myself. Scared I will lose my job. Scared I will be alone. Scared people will hate me.

I have had enough of feeling this way this time. I really have. But I wouldn't like to lose my job because it's a good job. I love my boyfriend, he is nice. He is rather annoying. But I think I really need to learn not to look at things in black and white.

What do you seem to be chasing all your life that you just cannot get?
What are you chasing constantly? Is it self-acceptance? Security? Comfort? Love?

Me, I'm always chasing unconditional love. Unconditional love from someone is a beautiful idea. But that's the very thing. I chase it. So I don't ever get it, or once I get it I end up losing it in pursuit of it. I'm a 21 year old woman... It is supposed to be the man chasing the woman, naturally. Yet I chase unconditional love.

I control the relationship I'm in, most of the time, as much as I can. Yet why not just give up that control? Just give it up. Why do things have to go my way all the time? Surely I can just leave my boyfriend to it and let him come to me, in his own time, freely.

Think about it: is it better for you to have someone you love approach you because you've given them no other choice (through manipulation/control), or would it be better if they approached you whilst you weren't expecting it?

I got up this morning, trying to chase something (unknowingly) and once again it went. I don't blame myself. I blame the human workings of social connection/frequency/vibration/whatever you want to call the logical workings of PEOPLE. Basically we are hard wired to resist controlling behaviours by others. And for good reason too.

A quick blog about Artificial Intelligence - level: basic, everyday chit-chat
Firstly, I know next to nothing about artificial intelligence (AI). This blog is about the potential amount of loneliness and faked company we may feel if robots become our friends in the future.

I just read this: https://news.yahoo.com/bill-gates-yes-robots-really-jobs-180449215.html - [accessed today 12/11/14].

Bill Gates predicts that lots of people are going to be put out of work due to machines taking our jobs... well, it seems to have been going this way for years, doesn't it.

Not only would robots be taking our jobs but they would curse us even further into the blackened and damned hellhole that is unnatural, cold disconnection and unrelenting loneliness. Already, many of us sit in homes on video games, on laptops, on iPads and mobile phones. TVs are becoming more lifelike by the day, with 3D images taking up residence in our brains and inviting us to set up base in a virtual world.

Knowing that a computer is a computer and not a 'real' human just makes everything seem unreal. Computers would never replace the colourful, enriched, happy feelings one gets when they share a cuddle with someone feeling the same. Even if computers became equipped with emotions. The very knowledge that it is a computer just doesn't replace warm, wholesome, snug embrace with another.

Artificial intelligence will make us feel more than just 'artificial'.

Social rules
What's with those people who can just get along with everybody and anybody? They can enter a crowd of people, and talk to them about anything with ease? Seems like theres some secret code of social rules that are just completely automatic to some.

Everyday I wake up thinking, 'what is the code today? Do I trust everyone? Do I show trust to only particular people?'

Everyday, I have to have a particular set of mantras, a discourse, that I repeat to myself all day, in order to socialise well so that things run smoothly.

Yesterday for example, I started off:

'You can't please people no matter what you do. You can smile. You cant even talk about general, non philosophical things to people anymore, people just do not like you' - admittedly this was a very very personal discourse, ie it was completely self-directed. Usually I have a discourse that is NOT self-defeating.

But after I spoke to Kerrie (a coworker), my discourse completely changed.

It became a more positive and generalised one, one that I usually have. It was:

- everyone is all the same
- we are all in this together
- everyone is just as scared as you are about socialising (this may be because kerrie told me she felt the same as me about a lot of things)
- people have the capacity to genuinely emotionally care about each other -this was a big thing for me because I used to feel like this anyway about people, until some of my own family and a boyfriend used huge lengths to push me away and keep pulling me back... as of December 2010. I had a major personality change (the ego book and staying completely mute around family)
-(following on from the previous) people can genuinely want to help others, it's not just a facade, and people genuinely get affected by each other
-it's ok to get things wrong, it's GENUINELY OK and people ACTUALLY LIKE IT if you're not afraid to make mistakes!!!! You can even show that you're a slow thinker, it brings you closer to people!

I will tag this under autism and asperger syndrome so that these interested in those sorts of problems can have a look at this. I don't think I 'have' those disorders but it may help people who do.
or maybe I do have it. I don't believe in labelling anyway.

The ramblings of a disordered mind
Diary entry.

Yesterday a woman called Kerrie helped me lots. She's exactly the sort of person Id get along with and it was right under my nose... very caring, unlike most people here. It felt so very good to finally have someone so caring talk to me at work, never had that anywhere before here. Really made me feel happy.

Whereas before I felt like: "I fail socially absolutely everywhere - my workplace, with family, with boyfriend... everybody feels defensive around me and I cant relate to anyone".

Then I also thought "I may as well give up, as even when I'm smiley and try to be nice people still get defensive with me and dislike me" -I felt like there was no way forward even when I tried, which led me yesterday to cry, On the way to Work
"I'm not even going to bother as I will just get the same results no matter what"

Hadn't felt like that in absolutely ages, all my feelings of childhood came flooding back, the ones I had gotten rid of for 8 years when I was 13... The complete lack of control over my social life, all through growing up. Maybe sometimes you have to take a leap of faith.

I suppose this is all part of growing up.

Brain injury, rambling thoughts.
Find out what 'neurorehabilitation' actually means. There are a few of 'em involved in the book I'm reading.

What does 'non-progressive' brain injury mean? - Well, 'progressive disease' means that the disease basically gets worse over time, in whatever way it does, not necessarily meaning death but in some cases yes. There are: rapidly progressive; slowly progressive - the former referring to day/weeks, latter referring to months/years.

Read Oliver Sacks. I'm currently reading about encephalitis, as it is an ABI.

General: Short term memory is where no physiological imprint is made in the brain, but long term memory is a physiological imprint that's made and is permanent.

Short term memory cannot take overload, no matter what. Short term memory is easily disturbed, but LTM is passive and stays no matter what.

STM is the second-long holding of a few pieces of information in the relative present. Remember magic 7 plus/minus 2.

We can apparently hold between 5 and 9 pieces in STM.

STM - recalling information is easy if we scan the whole of STM.

LTM - of course we cannot scan the whole of our LTM so LTM recall works by cues.

LTM - meaning
STM - acoustic

STM - if info not processed immediately/rehearsed then it is forgotten.
LTM - forgetting here occurs if the cue disappears

STM - functions by frontal lobe
LTM - functions by hippocampus, then transferred to cerebral cortex (which part of depending on language and perception).


What if...
What if I can be both, abiding by the rules andddd comform/act happy and jolly like everyone else? Why show everyone that I have low self-esteem when I can just hide it! Genius